A Book Of Black Walls
by Nakimochiku
Summary: a collection of oneshots that all go in order to become one story. Hichi x Ichi, emoness, showing: the end Smile For Me AU
1. Draw Me Crying

DRAW ME CRYING

_first chapter/ story/whatever to this. I hope you enjoy the emoness_

he carried around the notebook with him. A note book filled with all that he was, all that he wanted to be. In the notebook, there was him. Every accidental drop of blood, every tear stain. It was a notebook filled with all his pain.

Because paper is more patient than man.

The notebook was filled with poetic prose, meaning nothing. He ranted and ranted about his unrequited love. He wrote and wrote about it.

He had no life.

There were many pictures of people crying, of blood stained blades, of broken wings.

It was a two hundred page notebook signifying his soul. And what a wretched soul it was.

And when the pictures weren't sad and lonely. He was drawing him. Ha was drawing that poor excuse for a human and a believable excuse for an angel. He was drawing that person who he wrote meaningless poetry about. He was drawing Ichigo Kurosaki.

Sometimes when he was feeling lonely, he would write stories about Ichigo. Write about how Ichigo loved him, write about how happy they would be if they were together. Write about all those things he wished Ichigo would say to him.

Ichigo was that popular kid in school. The kid that looked like a punk and a bully but was really quite nice. That kid whom everyone loved. The one who drew them in like moths to a flame. And he was one of those moths, but nobody saw him. Ichigo didn't see him. Ichigo didn't know him.

But that didn't stop him from loving Ichigo.

And he could watch Ichigo all he wanted. He sat behind him! Just watching and watching. He knew every gesture Ichigo made. He liked to record them and draw them. he liked to just write about all the things Ichigo did.

if only so he could have his imaginary Ichigo when he went home.

It wasn't a nice home. It was only him and his Abusive older sister. She saw every drop of blood. She slapped him for it. He knew why she slapped him. He knew why she acted like she hated him.

He had seen daddy slapping her when he was younger. His older sister used to shove him in the closet when his father had been drinking. But some people had taken daddy away. Now it was just him and her.

He never blamed her when she slapped him. He let her. He knew it made her feel better. And worse at the same time. Sometimes he let her beat him until his face and body was swollen and sore. He knew he could easily stop her, he was bigger than her now.

But he didn't. He let her have what she wanted.

Because to make him feel better, he had his imaginary Ichigo.

"Hey?" Hichigo looked up from his notebook at the sound of a voice. His golden yellow eyes widened when he saw Ichigo.

"Y-yea?" his voice cracked. Ichigo was talking to him. And he felt like a giddy highschool girl.

Ichigo combed his hand through his hair, looking embarrassed. "I know I don't talk to you alot...but..." he paused, trying to find the right words. "You're always coming in all beat up, so I was wondering if you're alright?"

Hichigo smiled. He noticed. Not something overly wonderful or dramatic or even good. But he noticed. "Yea. I'm great."

"Your cut up hand can't hold your pen properly." Ichigo noted dryly. He sat back down when the teacher came in. "Let me know if you need anything." he whispered. "Cool drawing, by the way."

Hichigo glanced down at his half finished protrait. It was of another random person, crying yet smiling at the same time.

_**/Draw me crying. Make me smile/**_

OWARI

_yersh, first chapter._ _I don't really know what I'm feeling right now. Why I threw in the abusive older sister? I dunno. I needed something! Anyway, hope you enjoyed!_


	2. Wipe My Eyes

WIPE MY EYES

_second chapter. Are you proud? If I can get past the third chapter I'll be really happy!_

He didn't cry. He never cried when his sister beat him. He never begged for her to stop. He let her because he loved her. He only held her down when it was going to far. He let her scream at him and curse at him and burst into tears. He held her tight when she started babbling.

"I'm sorry I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I love Hichigo, I love you. I'm sorry." he held her tight. He knew this was going to happen tomorrow. He knew she wouldn't be able to stop herself.

"It's alright, nee-chan. I'm not mad at you." no. he was never mad. But he was saddened. Saddened because it was all daddy's fault. If daddy hadn't beaten her, if daddy hadn't left them, maybe Saho wouldn't have to cry.

Saho struggled through life. Tried hard to keep them housed and fed. If her only escape was beating him, then that was alright.

"You're beat up again." Ichigo said as he sat at his desk. He turned when someone called his name.

"Yea..." he took out his notebook, carefully studying the expression Ichigo made. He flipped through. This note book was getting filled up, it had only been a few months. He traced out the curve of Ichigo's neck, the way his eyes searched for whoever was called him and then the way his lips twisted upwards when he found them. When he had finished, he flipped to the next page and began drawing what Saho-nee-chan looked like when she was younger. The way her dress flowered out, the way her hair swept beautifully passed her shoulders.

And then he thought about daddy. And the look of fear when nee-chan saw his face, the way she hurried him into the closet where his father never looked for him. Because all he wanted to see was his beautiful daughter. Daddy never loved him. All those years, if Saho-nee-chan hadn't done what she had, he might've been dead...

"She looks evil." he heard Ichigo comment. And when he looked at the drawing, he saw her fearful, teary-eyed face, and the rage and misery that lay behind it.

He quickly turned the page. He began drawing a broken winged bird instead. But that picture stayed in his mind.

Home again home again. He could hear crashing coming from the other side of the door. He wondered if Saho and her boyfriend Takanawa were having another fight. The door burst open and Takanawa stormed out of the house, hell's fury written all over his face. When Hichigo stepped inside, he saw his sister kneeling in the walkway to the kitchen.

"Nee-chan?" Hichigo asked, voice tiny. "Nee-chan, are you alright?" Saho looked up at him, her eyes red from crying.

"You!" she grabbed his hair, pulling him up the stairs. "I hate you. I hate you! Look, what you've done! We were going to get married!" Saho threw him to the ground, and began kicking him mercilessly, all the while stinging his heart with her poisonous half meant words.

Hichigo curled in on himself, letting her hit his back repeatedly. He felt her thin hand on his arm, and she began dragging him. Where, he didn't know. He didn't risk looking up. She threw him with all her strength into the bathroom walls. "Hichigo, you look so much like your father." her voice was sickly sweet. She raised a knife that Hichigo hadn't known she had. He wouldn't scream yet though. Maybe she was only trying to threaten him. The knife came crashing down on him arms, his legs, wherever she could reach. He never made a sound. When he cried, he made it worse.

He reached up, stalling the knife and pushing her away. He grabbed her, taking the knife from her. When she saw his blood splattered face, she choked. "I'm sorry I'm sorry. What have I done? My beautiful little brother! I'm sorry!" she cried and cried, holding him.

"It's alright nee-chan. They don't hurt." She looked at him, smiled faintly and traced her thumb along the curve of his cut up cheek.

The class was just as bright when Hichigo came in, just as happy, as if they didn't care what had happened to him last night. And nobody did. Save for Ichigo.

He was covered in band-aids from head to toe. When Ichigo saw him, the boy blanched. "What in god's name happened to you?! Are you gonna be alright?!"

"Ichigo, leave him alone, he sucks." Rukia drawled, sitting in his lap and wrapping an arm around his neck. Hichigo hated rukia. He hated her very much.

"He's my friend. And get off me."

"He's a loser. All he does is sit there and draw. And he stares at you all the time. I bet he's gay. He a fag and a weirdo. You have a creepy friend. I bet he has a whole bunch of weird drawings and stuff about you in that note book."

With each word, Hichigo wanted to make himself impossibly smaller. Everyone in class was listening to Rukia and staring at him. He wanted to die. Because some of what she said was true.

"And he's so emo. I bet he did all of that to himself so he could get attention." Rukia grabbed Hichigo's book off his desk, and she opened it. Hichigo recognized the page from the doodle at the top. That was the story about him and Ichigo. The one where Ichigo kissed him, among other things. Before Rukia could start reading it out loud, Ichigo swiped the book away from her.

"So what?! If he wants attention, he's got mine. If he wants to draw me, he can. If he wants to stare at me, let him. But Rukia, if you dare say those things about Hichigo ever again, I'm going to snap every bone in your body!" Ichigo glared at the shock struck Rukia, who sat down when the teacher came in. He handed the book to Hichigo with a smile. "Here you go."

Hichigo stared down at his desk. The room began filling with chatter again as everyone realized nothing more would happen.

"Hey. Don't mind her. She just wants me to like her. She hates it when I hang around other people." Hichigo said nothing. His vison was suddenly blurry. He wondered why. "Don't cry." Calloused fingers wiped his face, coming away wet. "I meant what I said, yea?" Ichigo was smiling at him when he looked up. It felt good when Ichigo smiled at him.

_**/wipe me eyes, see my tears/**_

OWARI

_so so, what dya think? Dya like? I love Saho. I love her very much. She may be unstable, but I still love her. Reveiw reveiw!_


	3. Empty My Heart

EMPTY MY HEART

_third chapter... writing this now, I better finish it..._

His notebook was his heart. Was just something to pass the time. Something to tell his secrets to. His secrets and his fantasies and his wishes. Because nobody else cared enough to listen.

Because paper so much more patient than man.

And then Ichigo came along. Ichigo wanted to know his secrets, Ichigo would never tell anybody. Ichigo told him it was ok to stare, it was ok to dream. And though some things he did tell Ichigo, others he never wanted him to know.

Because Ichigo would hate him forever.

He loved Ichigo. But he never told anybody but his notebook that. He sat and drew in his notebook till his hand was cramped and sore, until all the days feelings were spilled onto the clean yet rugged pages of the slowly filling notebook. Only his notebook cared to listen to what he had to say. Only his note book cared for every drop of blood and tear stain.

But Ichigo was there. And that made him feel happy.

"Wanna walk home with me today?" Ichigo invited, shouldering his backpack.

"Uh, sure..." Hichigo doggy eared the page he'd been working on and stuffed the notebook in his backpack.

"Ichigo!" Rukia's voice carried out over the noise of the other students. "You promised you'd walk with me to Kendo practice."

Ichigo smacked his forehead. "I forgot I had practice today." Ichigo clapped his hands together and bowed. "I'm sorry, I actually can't go." Ichigo smiled apologetically and he filed that expression away in his mind to draw later.

"It's alright."

Only his notebook knew his feelings. And in the notebook, he wrote about all the things he and Ichigo would do together. All the things he hoped Ichigo would think of him. All the things he wished Ichigo would do to him.

They were friends. But they were never going to get that far. but he could hope and dream and wish, and maybe one day, one day.

"So, what's going on?" Ichigo asked watching as Hichigo sewed something or another. He was good with his hands. "You've got less bruises today."

Hichigo almost let it slip that his sister had been in a good mood. He liked Saho-nee-chan when she was happy. She was the nee-chan he was used to. She was the Nee-chan he remembered. "Yea..."

"You brought a new notebook today, can I see it?" Hichigo nodded. Nothing about Ichigo had been written or drawn yet. "Nice poem." Ichigo complimented moments later. "Are you in love or something? You write like you are."

His notebook listened to him when no one else cared. His notebook was his friend and his solace. His notebook remembered every word he write, everything he said. He carried around his notebook everywhere. It knew his secrets.

And paper is so much more patient than man.

Ichigo asked for his secrets, Ichigo cared enough to learn. But he'd never tell him. He never give it away. Those things he wanted.

Because Ichigo would hate him forever. He was a man after all.

_**/empty my heart, call me dead/**_

OWARI

_yersh, Chapter 3. Yersh yersh! I'm so proud of myself! Nyahahaha! Three chapters in one day. I wonder how this...thing...is gonna turn out... reveiw reveiw!_


	4. Sprout Me Wings

SPROUT ME WINGS

_right, chapter four. May you note that I'll be throwing a party when I reach chapter 5...and when I figure out how ichi-kun and hichichi get together. So enjoy._

If he could escape this life, where would he go? The wings he had were nothing but paper, and even those were broken and bent. He couldn't depend on anybody, he just wanted to fly.

"You're always drawing wings and angels." Ichigo said, eyes trained on the paper. "Do you wanna try flying or something?"

"I would if I could, and I want to." Hichigo answered, drawing a delicate feather falling from the sky into the hands of a girl.

"Where would you fly?"

"Away. far, far away." he tried not to blush when he saw Ichigo's hand brushing across a scar on his drawing hand. Ichigo's fingers were gentle, as if he was thinking that the scar would still hurt.

And maybe it did.

"Would you take me with you?"

Hichigo smiled. A big wide grin that looked half insane. "Only if you grow wings too." life wasn't any better, now that he had Ichigo. maybe some people stayed away from him, left him alone because he was Ichigo's friend. But that didn't happen often.

"GIVE IT BACK!" Hichigo shouted. He hated that he was so thin. Not weak, just thin. He was being held against the wall by one of his more frequent tormentors, his notebook held up over his head. "DAMN YOU, FUCKING BASTARDS! GIVE IT BACK!" he knew people heard him. They were in the halls, people were all around them. He knew people saw, but nobody did any thing about it.

He managed to wrench free from the grip, but he was pushed back roughly into the wall. A small gasp of pain escaped his throat and a cut from last night ripped open. Blood seeped through his white school uniform. The group of bullies stopped laughing, taking in how serious the blood was. "How the hell did that happen? I didn't do anything to him I swear!" Hichigo grabbed the book away from him, running down the hall into the washroom.

He stopped the bleeding on his chest with tissue, washing his shirt out before the blood set.

His wings were bent and broken, if he had any at all. He just wanted to leave. Everyone here hated him. So his eyes and hair were abnormal, so he never talked to anyone and drew in his notebook all day. What was wrong with that?!

He wanted to fly.

When he returned to class, his clothes sopping wet, he sat down at his desk, taking out a pencil.

First he drew a man pulling a wing out of his back. Then an angel leaping gracefully from a building. When he was done, he wrote a poem.

"_That blue sky  
__that I long to return to  
__was I even there?  
__The blue sky  
__where my home his.  
__Let me back.  
__My wings are sore and broken  
__my body is beaten and cold.  
__I can't make it there.  
__Please go for me?  
__That blue sky.  
__Go there for me."_

He shoved the note book under Ichigo's nose at break time, face set with all thr fury he had felt all day, even though he had released it onto paper. Ichigo looked at him, then the notebook. "Did something happen?" He asked, taking the notebook. Hichigo said nothing, just watched Ichigo read. When Ichigo was finished, he set the book down and sighed. He stayed like that for a moment, before looking up and smiling. He looked like the devil's child.

"If you're going to fly away. Take me with you."

Hichigo sat back at his deck, released a sigh of his own, rest his head on his arms. "Only if you grow your own wings."

"Then we can return home together." Hichigo realized he was quoting a part of his poem, and he smiled that Ichigo even cared enough to remember it.

"Yea..."

_**/sprout me wings, let me escape/**_

OWARI

_so so. Chapter four. Yersh! I know what's gonna happen in chapter five. I know what ur thinking 'shouldn't you know what's gonna happen?' well, not with this story! Anyway! Review! Hee hee! I've got a party to throw! that poem is mine by the way. take it without permission and you better believe there will be a scrap._


	5. I Gave You a Flower

I GAVE YOU A FLOWER

_chapter five babes! And I'm almost done! This might end by chapter ten. Omg. I'm so happy. I more I do in one day the more likely I am not to lose interest in it. Yersh yersh! I wanna cry I'm so happy! Enjoy!_

He knew Saho saw daddy in him. He knew Saho beat him because she hated daddy. Because she saw daddy whenever she looked at him, she beat him. It was his fault for looking like daddy, he reasoned. It was his fault for not being like Mother. It was his fault for leaving her alone.

Hichigo tried to breathe through the water that was pouring over his face into his mouth and nose. He strained for air, trying to push his face past the never ending streaming of scorching hot water.

"It's all your fault. All your fault. It's your fault Takanwa-san dumped me. It's your fault I have to live like this. It's your fault I'm never happy." She dug her knee into the small of his back, pressing him down into the side of the tub, making him feel like he wanted to throw up. "Don't you realize I'd be happier without you? Why won't you die? I hate you!"

He knew that when Saho was cursing at him, it wasn't him she was talking to. To her, he was daddy. She was doing all the things to daddy she wanted to do when she was younger.

His lungs were burning. He wanted air. "Nee..chan..." he gasped. "Nee-chan..." he couldn't manage any more than a whisper. He hoped she could hear him. His vison was fading. Suddenly the water was gone from his face.

"Hichigo! Hichigo. Please god, let him be breathing." He felt Saho's cheek pressed against his cheek. "Hichigo.. Please... please..." it felt so weird to be breathing again. He breathed shallowly, slowly, until his brain registered how much he really needed air. He gulped in huge breathes and heard his sister's sigh of relief. "Oh god. Why do I keep doing this to you?! I'm sorry I'm sorry! I love you Hichigo, I didn't mean any of those things." he felt saho's arms around him, hugging him.

When he could feel everything was back to normal, he reached up and put his arms around her. "It's alright nee-chan. I know you love me. I love you too."

Such a twisted love Hichigo had.

"What happened to you? Your skin is all burnt!" Ichigo asked.

"It's only red." Hichigo corrected. He was late this morning. He was tired and in pain. The cuts and bruises from two nights ago were acting up because of his sister's knee. He sat down, not taking out his notebook. Tired, he was so tired.

"Hichigo?" Ichigo asked worriedly, placing a hand on his head. "Should I take you to the nurse's office?"

"No. I'm fine. I just didn't get a lot of sleep last night." mostly because Saho had dragged him out of bed at 3 am and tried to drown him. He then had to stay up and comfort his crying sibling. Mostly just to make sure she didn't do anything crazy.

He knew she hated herself for doing these things. He knew she couldn't stop.

"Are you sure?"

"Yea."

the day passed by uneventfully. And even far away from home in the safety and hostility of school, he felt the growing tension. He felt a sick insane feeling crawling at the back of his head, telling him what he knew to be the truth. _'You're going to die tonight'_ he dug into his pocket, then his bag until he found what he was looking for.

It was a small plushie. With orange hair and an angry expression. It was what Hichigo had been sewing. He was good with these kinds of things, and he hadn't really expected to be giving it to Ichigo at all. He shoved the doll under Ichigo's nose. "I want you to have it. To remember me by."

"Are you moving or something?" Ichigo asked, studying the doll and smiling when he realized it was him.

"No. I like you." Hichigo knew. If he didn't say it now, he'd never be able to say it. He knew, if he didn't say it now, he'd die with the secret. If he didn't say it now, no one would ever know. It was a tad embarrassing to be confessing in front of a whole bunch of people, albeit the fact that no one was paying attention...no one ever was.

Ichigo looked at him, mouth working but no words coming out. He stared at the plushie, then Hichigo, then the plushie again, as if the doll would tell him what to say. Ichigo's mouth dropped open even further when he saw unshed tears behind Hichigo's eyes.

"It's alright. I know you don't like me. I just felt like telling you." Hichigo rushed out the door as soon as the bell rang, running down the street to his home before Ichigo could catch him. "Because, I know you would hate me forever if I told you." he whispered to himself.

Only to his notebook he could tell these secrets.

_**/I gave you a flower, but you rejected it/**_

OWARI

_so so, how's it going? You love you love? I've been holding my self off from reviews, I like looking at them when there's lots. But you better believe that I smile when I see them. I love all of you who reviewed, my little lovelies, thank you very much! You make me sooooooooo happy!_


	6. Close My Eyes

CLOSE MY EYES

_yup, chapter six. Hee hee. You'll love this chapter._

It was deathly quiet when Hichigo got to his house door. That was never good. Deathly quiet was evil. He knew his sister was home when it was that kind of quiet. And he knew she had a bad day. He knew what it meant when it was deathly quiet.

Run.

And when he was just about to do that, the door crashed open. His sister stood in the doorway, grinning at him, an insane glint in her eye.

Why did he bother going home at all? He knew that feeling had been right. He knew, today, it would go too far. Today he was going to die. He was bigger than her now, yes, but she was strong. He was thin, far too thin. He was going to die today.

"Welcome home little brother." Saho greeted. She caught him before he could take off down the street, dragging him into the house, leaving the door wide open. "You disgusting little bitch." she cursed, throwing him to the floor.

He didn't cry, no, not on most occasions. "Nee-chan!" he pleaded, using his scarred and bruised arms to block the onslaught to his face. "Nee-chan stop, you're hurting me!" he felt a knife on his back and arms, digging deep into his flesh. He knew he couldn't pass out. If he did he'd never wake up. "Nee-chan, please!"

"You're not getting away with that man whore." Hichigo froze and stiffened at Saho's words. "I saw those notebooks you were writing in. You dream about being with men? How did I ever raise you to be like that?" Saho was crying, he could hear it in her voice.

"Nee-chan, I'm sorry. I won't do it again!" Hichigo wanted her to stop. If she didn't stop now, she'd get carried away. And then she'd kill him. And when she was sad because he was dead, he wouldn't be there to comfort her. "I won't! I won't do it again! Please!"

"No, you won't." Saho began dragging him up the stairs by his hair, he was sore and bloodied and broken. If he twisted a certain way, Hichigo could swear he heard his bones grinding.

"What the _fuck_ is going on here?" Came Ichigo's strong voice from the doorway.

Saho turned, deranged face smiling at him, as if she was thinking of killing him too. "I'm hurting him. And then I'm going to kill him. Want to watch?" she was about to start cutting him again when Ichigo leaped at her, pulling the knife from her hands. He dragged her away from Hichigo. "Stop stop! I have to kill him! He was going to leave me! He was going to leave me all alone! Takanawa-san left me...he knew I was sad! He was...going to leave me..."

Hichigo reached up, putting his arms around his sobbing sister. It hadn't been about him being gay at all... "shh, nee-chan. I love you too much to leave you. I wouldn't dare it. Alright? So stop now, Nee-chan, stop now." those words spoken, Hichigo passed out.

When Hichigo opened his eyes, he was met with sterile white walls. He was in the hospital. He saw his Nee-chan lying at the side of the hospital bed and the IV drip in his arm.

"You're awake?" when he turned, he saw Ichigo on the other side of the bed. "My dad let me stay home from school, you're at his clinic."

Hichigo rubbed his eyes, And sat up, hiding a wince of pain. "Where's my notebook? I wanna go home."

"Calm down. I've got your notebook right here. Just go to sleep or rest or something..." they spent a long awkward moment like that. Ichigo sitting at the side of the bed, staring at the wall and Hichigo lying half upright, flipping through his note book. "When...my dad examined you...he said he found a lot of injuries... some of them weren't taken proper care of or needed stitches.. He said you shouldn't have stayed so long without going to a doctor..."

"If I went to the doctor, they would have asked questions." Hichigo tried to reason, combing his hands through the sleeping Saho's hair. She stirred, blinked, and looked up at him, smiling brightly.

"You're awake?! I'm so happy! I thought I had lost you!" she was crying tears of joy, hugging him brightly. "I'm gonna go get you something to eat, you're hungry right? You didn't eat dinner last night..." Saho was still babbling to herself when she walked out the room door.

"See?" Hichigo asked Ichigo, turning to him with a strained smile. "She's good."

Ichigo's eyes narrowed. Then the expression was gone and he was smiling gently again. "Alright. Just get some rest, we can talk more later." Ichigo patted his arm. "I'll be right here when you wake up.

Hichigo didn't think he'd gone to sleep feeling so comfortable all his life.

_**/close my eyes, lay me to sleep/**_

OWARI

_so...yea, reveiw, gots nothing more to say..._


	7. Kiss My Heart

KISS MY HEART

_woot! Again...holding my self off from email...anyway. Enjoy._

What is a secret that's been exposed? Is it still a secret? Why would his notebook tell? His notebook was his soul's comfort. Those wishes and dreams that he would file away. Until he was all alone, just him and his notebook, so he could be who he wanted to be when no one was there to see.

His notebook was the little thing he found joy in. Because he had no one. Just Ichigo. And even with him, he was sure would leave him. Because Ichigo would hate him, now that he knew his secret.

He pried his eyes open, again seeing Ichigo waiting patiently at the side of his bed. When the orange haired boy saw that he was awake, he began blushing. "I...read your notebook...when you were sleeping..."

It took a moment to sink in, and Hichigo's brain went over all the things that Ichigo could have possibly found out. And he realized that he had bared his very heart and soul in every single poem and story and drawing. He was left insecure and naked, now that Ichigo knew.

Was god never going to give him a break?

"Y-you...read it...?" Hichigo repeated, shocked.

Ichigo took a deep breath, tried to smile as if he wasn't embarrassed or shy about the situation. "Yea, I read it. I'll read you the poem I liked most."

"_I'm right next to you  
__you won't look at me  
__I'm crying near you  
__you don't see me  
__turn and look at me  
__don't I mean more than that?  
__Turn and look at me  
__love me.  
__Let's be together  
__like a king and his horse."_

Ichigo smiled, a little more truthful than before, when he finished. "I liked the king and horse metaphor. Were you angry at the time?"

Hichigo said nothing. The fact that Ichigo had looked at his notebook at all was not what hurt. He was trying to act so natural, as if it was nothing. He knew Ichigo hated him now. He knew that surviving meant nothing, now that ichigo knew. Surviving that... his sister's problems exposed... no. he wished he'd died.

"You're blushing so hard..." Ichigo laughed. "I'm...sorry for looking at it."

"Shut up shut up! You're just making fun of me now aren't you?!" Hichigo curled into the fetal position. He hated all of them. Now he knew what Ichigo was truly like. He would hate him, take his love and dance on it, rip his heart out and put it back.

He had to go and fall in love with a beautiful boy like that. He knew Ichigo was nothing but poison, he knew nothing good would come from loving him.

But nothing would have happened, his heart wouldn't be broken like this, if only it was only his notebook's secret to keep.

"You just want to make me feel worse! You only treated me nicely so you could have a good laugh later, didn't you?!" He held his head in his hands, he wanted to cry.

"No! I...I wouldn't do something like that! What kind of person do you take me for?!" He could feel Ichigo's breath against his cheek. He looked up into the frantic amber eyes of the other teenager.

"You're lying."

"Lie–!" Ichigo looked at him ,frowning. Then, he caught Hichigo's lips with his own, kissing him gently. When he pulled away, he looked at hichigo seriously. "Am I still lying?"

He wanted so badly to believe. He wanted to believe because it was something he longed for so badly. He pulled Ichigo into another kiss, letting their lips move together. "Even if you were, I wouldn't say yes."

Ichigo's lips against his own made him feel happy. Maybe, he realized, maybe god was giving him a small break. Just a tiny one. Because he had Ichigo now. Ichigo whom he lusted after and craved and loved. He had him.

When Ichigo was with him. Nothing else mattered. His tears were forgotten. And sometimes all he wanted was to forget.

_**/kiss my heart and smooth my frowns/**_

OWARI

_if you're thinking this is the end you are sadly (or happily, who knows) mistaken. No, I'm not through torturing these beautiful boys just yet. Besides, we have to find out what happens with Saho_. _So, until next time (which is at most...half an hour, maybe a full one...) See ya!_


	8. Assure Me of Your Love

ASSURE ME OF YOUR LOVE

_yea! Chapter...8 right? Yea! Woot woot! Why are the number of people reviewing going down? Come on babes, keep reviewing or I'll lose my speed. Enjoy lovelies._

It felt comfortable now. No hiding. No chasing. Just this love that they shared. It wasn't only him anymore. Ichigo loved him. Ichigo cared for him. Ichigo would be with him forever.

That notebook he told his secrets to. His only friend. His patient friend that saved him every time. Now he had Ichigo. They didn't need to be secrets anymore. The only thing that had to remain a secret was their relationship.

"Hellooo!" Isshin yelled as he burst through the door. "How is my patient doing?!"

"He'll get worse if he hangs around you." Ichigo grunted, giving his father a scowl.

Isshin laughed, then got out his blood pressure cuff and wrapped it around Hichigo's arm. "Don't you love your daddy anymore, Ichigo?" Ichigo only rolled his eyes. When Isshin was finished, he took a deep breath and looked at Hichigo, his expression serious. "I talked to a friend of mine...we're going to get some help for your sister."

"No no! Nee-chan doesn't need it! She's fine! If she's gone...I won't have anybody..." if he didn't have his nee-chan, he'd be all alone. _she'd_ be all alone, locked up where no one would ever see her again.

"Hichigo, it's alright. She's not going to a hospital. She'll only get a few treatments a week and try to deal with her abusive problems."

"She wasn't...abusing me." Ichigo wrapped his arm around Hichigo's shoulders, hugging him tightly, willing his father away so he would stop hurting him. "She was just...taking out her anger."

"I'm going to tell you what I know. But tell Ichigo what you're feeling, I'm sure he'll make you feel better." Ichigo blushed when he saw his father's wink. "Your sister won't be able to live with you. But there will be weekly visits. I already told her all about this and she consented."

"She WHAT?!"

"It won't be so bad. But, I wouldn't know, I haven't been through it." Isshin left, closing the door behind him and heaving a sigh. So his son was interested in that boy like that, huh?

"She wasn't abusing me..." Hichigo tried to assure, leaning into the comforting embrace provided by Ichigo. "She really wasn't. She loved me. It was all daddy's fault...she was only trying to make herself feel better." Hichigo felt weak, insecure, breakable, when he was like this. He clung to Ichigo's shirt. "Please. Tell your daddy not to lock her away. Please?"

"Yea. I'll tell him." Ichigo kissed his boyfriend's temple sweetly, letting the other lay there in his arms.

"You know how much I love you right?" Hichigo asked after a silent fifteen minutes. He snuggled into Ichigo's warmth. It felt so good and safe. Better than his room or his blankets or his notebook. His arms hugged him tighter, and he leaned down to kiss him again.

Ichigo hummed in the positive. "You love me enough to draw pictures of me when I'm not looking. And you love me enough to write stories about me and poems. You love me enough to be angry when I don't see you. But I see you now, so can I make up for it?"

"Only if you never make me angry again. Only if you promise to see me." Ichigo smelled good, he thought. And he liked it when Ichigo played in his hair. He liked it when his fingers traced along his back in comforting circles. He liked everything about Ichigo. "I feel tired again. Too much drugs..." he said, lying back down in the sterile white bed to sleep. Ichigo kissed his forehead.

"I'll be right here when you wake up."

It was half an hour later. Ichigo sat by the window in the fading sunlight, staring at the little plushie that was bathed in a orange red glow. Hichigo was always doing all these things for him. Writing poems, expressing his feelings better than him. He wanted Hichigo to know he loved him.

When Isshin came in at nine pm to check on them, he found Ichigo bent over Hichigo's notebook, working furiously. "Good luck." Isshin whispered, almost inaudibly as he closed the door.

When Hichigo woke up again, his note book was lying in his lap, along with a note explaining why he wasn't present (he's out getting breakfast). On the open page on the notebook, it said Ichigo's name. And written there was a small poem.

_I'm not as good as you are.  
__So all I'll say is I love you.  
__I can't say it like William Shakespear.  
__That guy ain't my style.  
__But I will say I love you  
__I've been saying it all the while.  
__I'm not a perfect poet.  
__I don't even get A's in language.  
__I wasn't one for love  
__too much emotional baggage.  
__But I'll take that back now.  
__It's all I'm going to say.  
__I'm not as good as you are  
__but I'll write it better one day._

Hichigo smiled. It was badly written. And there were grammar mistakes all over it. But he'd never seen anything that ever made him so happy before. It made him so happy he was speechless. When Ichigo came back, he greeted him with a deep kiss.

"Thanks."

"Heh. I wrote it because it's the truth." Ichigo was blushing madly, still trying to act cool. He was so cute like that, Hichigo absently stored that expression away to draw later too.

"I know." Hichigo answered, kissing him again. He knew it quite well.

_**/assure me of your love, hold me tight/**_

OWARI

_what'dya think? Ya like? Hee hee. I appears to be a happy ending no? A side chapter coming, then the end. Only two more chapters. For those who know me to be terrible at continuing my stories...HA! I'm so happy happy! Only two more! If anybody wants a prequel or a sequel (different couple though) please tell me! REVIEW!_


	9. Soothe My Sorrow

SOOTHE MY SORROW

_yersh, chapter 9. A little before the end. Just one more chapter after this. You excited? This is about my dear sweet Saho. I wanted you to know her true face since I couldn't squeeze it into the true story. Enjoy lovelies, I'm sure you'll love saho after this._

He watched through the gaps in the closet door, he didn't make a sound. Hot tears were rolling down his face, the picture burnt into his mind. This wasn't the first time he'd seen Daddy beat Nee-chan. But this had to be the worst.

When his father was gone, Hichigo crawled out of the closet, towards his sister to who was nearly passed out on the ground, shivering. "Nee-chan?" he whispered, glancing around the room for the first aid kit that they kept well stocked. "Nee-chan?" he asked again, wanting to shake her shoulder but afraid he'd cause her more pain.

Saho pushed herself into a sitting position, smiling at him weakly. "Haven't I told you not to come out till he's asleep?" she asked, taking the first aid kit from him, rummaging around for the disinfectant. She looked so old and weary. So tired. like she wasn't 14 at all

"Go sleep Nee-chan. I'll protect you if daddy comes back." he smiled at her with nine year old confidence, hoping he could make Saho-nee-chan feel better.

"He's not your father!" Saho hissed, her eyes flashing with anger. "Don't call him daddy anymore, Hichigo. He's not your father." Hichigo nodded sadly, taking to disinfectant from her and rubbing it on the cuts on her back. Her eyes were shut with pain. When he was finished, he helped her into bed.

"I'll protect you ok, Nee-chan? So sleep." he assured her. Saho smiled at him, very aware that he couldn't do anything.

Hichigo opened his eyes, met with sunshine. He'd fallen asleep when he was supposed to be guarding Saho! "Nee-chan!?" Hichigo called, running out of the bed room and downstairs, where he smelt Saho's cooking.

"Right here, Hichigo, what's wrong?" Saho was smiling at him, as if nothing had ever happened, trying to act cheerful. "I made your favourite. Now hurry up and get dressed or you'll be late for school." instead of running back upstairs, he hugged Saho tightly, as if she'd disappear if he let her go. She kissed his forehead. "Go upstairs."

"No no! I wanna stay with you, Nee-chan. Let me stay with you, please?" tears were starting in his eyes, but he knew he couldn't shed them. He had to be strong for his Nee-chan. He couldn't be scared.

"Alright. I was going to go shopping. Go get dressed and you can come with me." Hichigo smiled. His Nee-chan looked so pretty in the morning sunlight.

It'd happened again. And he couldn't do a thing about it. When he'd said he'd stand and fight, she slapped him and forced him into the closet. He fell in with a thud, she locked the door. He could still see what was happening, but he couldn't get out.

He was twelve now, Saho was 17. He could still do nothing about it. Even though he took karate lessons and kendo lessons and any other form of fighting. He still couldn't do anything.

"Protect me when you're big enough." Saho always told him. Where was the use in that if she was still going to be beaten all that time?

And then rescue came in the form of the police. The neighbor had heard to screaming. That was the very night he'd hugged her waist. Begging her to run away. Telling her she'd be safe if she ran away.

"Let's leave Nee-chan! Please! Let's leave! He'll never find us if we run fast!"

She'd only patted his head and kissed his cheek. When his father started beating her that night, the police busted into their rooms, pulled Daddy away from Saho and released him from the closet.

Saho had made a promise that night. Told him she'd always protect him. Told him she loved him. How quickly that seemed to wash away.

He was fourteen. It was the day before going to a new grade in a new school. He'd been happy sitting outside waiting for his nee-chan to get home from work. When she came home, it was late, which was unusual. He was inside, sitting at the kitchen table.

She came through the front door, a bottle of rum held in her hand. She smashed the bottle against the table, breaking it as she grabbed him.

Hichigo couldn't really tell if she had been drinking or not. He didn't really care. "Nee-chan, what are you doing?!" he screamed, trying to protect himself from the slashes from the broken bottle.

"Shut up!" Saho yelled. "Shut up shut up!" she tore his clothes off him, leaving him naked on the cold kitchen floor, slashing at him over and over. She cut dangerously close to his eye, another down his arm. And when she deemed that she had done enough damage with the bottle, she threw it over her shoulder and kicked him instead.

The first day of school in grade 8 was the worst. People stared at him for the many cuts and bruises, and the bandage that was over his eye. A couple of people teased him for it.

That was the day he turned to his notebook.

_what am I doing?_ She couldn't stop her hand from coming down on his body over and over again. She couldn't stop her leg from kicking him. _Why am I hurting him?_ Tears dripped down her face. There was a monster in her heart, and she couldn't stop it. _Please please! Stop hurting him!_

Every night she did this. She didn't want to hurt him. She loved him. She was so sorry. _What do I have to do to stop this?_ Again and again. She cut him she beat him, she cried. She loved him, so why was she hurting him. He didn't deserve any of this.

'**Exactly. He promised to protect you. He couldn't do anything'**

it wasn't his fault! He was a little boy. But the monster didn't listen. It took control of her body and made her beat him, gave him all the pain it could until it was worn out. Sometimes she didn't gain control until the last minute.

"I love you I love you! So please don't die on me!"

She cursed every moment she could stop it. She knew Hichigo hated her now. But she loved him. She was sorry. She couldn't stop the hand or the knife or the ever creeping loneliness. _Stop hurting him! I don't want him to hate me!_

She screamed within her mind until she felt she would go insane. She tried to hold that monster back, it was so hard. Hichigo didn't talk to her anymore. Was weary of her, studied her every step to ensure that he would live to see tomorrow.

He never made a sound when she was beating him. And that's what that monster wanted. It hit him harder and harder until little whimpers escaped his throat. but that didn't satisfy it. No, it wanted him to scream.

_I love him, so won't you stop hurting him?_

'**No.'**

_**/soothe my sorrow, take it away/**_

OWARI

_what do you think? She was nice until she was...how much again...19 right? Yea, 19. That was when all the stress broke. I've got...another story that you might like. But I'm not working on it until I finish chapter ten. I hope you'll like it. And I hope you reveiw for this chapter!_


	10. Smile For Me

SMILE FOR ME

_tenth chappie babes. It's the end of a book of black walls. Hee hee. I hope you enjoyed this, because I know I sure as hell did! Hee hee! Kisses lovelies!_

Ichigo's smiles were his and his alone. Ichigo loved him. And he told his notebook everything. Because he had his notebook to thank and hate. He had his note book to cherish. He could remember all the times he'd lusted after Ichigo with a blind passion. Because now it seemed like a distant dream.

Everything was perfect now. Those little kisses they shared when no one was watching. He told his notebook all about them. Ichigo watched when he was drawing now. Stayed in a certain position when he knew he would be inspired. Every touch, every feeling. He recorded them in his notebook, even though he knew he would never forget them.

They were in the hallways between periods, staring out the window to the neat gardens one floor below. Ichigo leaned down a little and kissed him over his right eye, which was still lightly scarred from the broken bottle two years ago. Ichigo liked kissing his scars. Almost as if he wanted to take the pain away.

And he was, he definitely was.

"Ew! Emo faggot! Get the hell offa Ichigo!" Rukia screeched down the emptying halls. A few people stopped to watch, waiting to see what Ichigo or Hichigo said.

"Rukia, don't you ever give up?" Ichigo asked with a sigh, running his hand through his wild orange locks.

"Why would I? You hang around with that freak, you're ruining your reputation! Don't you care anymore, Ichigo?" Rukia walked up to them, standing in front of them as if to stop them from leaving. "And not only that, he turned you gay!"

"Can you accept me if I'm gay, Rukia?" Ichigo asked, putting an arm around Hichigo's shoulders.

"NO!" she slapped his arm off, pulling Ichigo towards her. "You're not supposed to be! We're both popular, I'm pretty, we're friends. We're supposed to be the couple of the year. So why are you dating him?!"

"Because I love him."

"You don't! Now leave that man whore alone so you can be with me!" Rukia looked at him earnestly. "Don't you realize what a loser he is Ichigo? He's not even smart enough for you! He's a retard who can't do anything right. And he cuts himself every night. I'm way better than him! You're out of his league!"

Hichigo couldn't take it anymore. He was used to being talked down to and beaten. But he couldn't take it. Not from her. Not when she was trying to ruin his happiness. He shoved her off of Ichigo's arm. "No. _You're_ out of his league. Now bitch, I suggest you leave us alone, unless you want me to turn you into a fag too."

"I hate you." Rukia told him. "You took what's mine. I hate you." with that, Rukia scurried down the halls and out of the school.

Ichigo stared at him for a moment, then burst into laughter. "The look on her face was priceless!" Hichigo laughed a bit too.

"I was only telling her the truth. If I'm a loser than she is too."

"You're not a loser."

"I know." Hichigo pressed his lips against Ichigo's.

it was a book of black walls. Secrets that weren't secrets anymore. Secrets that had kept him boxed in yet sheltered him at the same time. This notebook was his to thank and remember. His to keep and love.

This notebook told their story. A story from only one point of view. An angry story, and a sad story and a happy story that ended up well.

This notebook would never say happily ever after. That was overrated. It held what made them a couple, those secrets that drew them together. It was a two hundred page notebook, inside was both their souls. Souls that would eternally be written on clean but rugged pages.

It would listen when it was written. It was a book of black walls, it kept things safe and hidden. It would listen forever.

Paper is such a patient friend.

_**/smile for me. Make me laugh.**_

_**You see these hearts I draw?**_

_**Do you see how they bleed?**_

_**They're for you.**_

_**They're all for you.**_

_**Draw me crying.**_

_**And make me smile./**_

THE PERFECT END

_lmao! WOOOOOOT! It's done it's done! Nyahahahaha! Wether or not it's a bad ending is for you to decide. I want to write a sequel, but it wouldn't have Hichi x ichi...what to do... well anyway! love love pretty darlings. Review me!_


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